Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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