i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
