True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
