life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
