Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
