the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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