im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
