The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
