Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
