I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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