Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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