Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
