There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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