the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
