I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
