nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
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I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
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HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs