Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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