no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I would fuck him just for his dog
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