Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
