who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
