please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Randomize
