i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
