That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
