one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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