I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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