I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
