I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
