and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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