he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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