you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
