now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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