I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
