He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
