i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
