first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
