Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
