Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
