You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
