Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
