look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
