SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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