Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Randomize
