Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
worst night to have a conscience
She bit a glass in half.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
