he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
