Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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