I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
