Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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