i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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