at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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