Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
