My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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