K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
