So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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