i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
