someone threw a dead crab at me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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