I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
