I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
someone owes me an orgasm
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
