Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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