Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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